I would like to quote author Fabienne Fredrickson, who once said, "The process of letting go of a false pretense makes you feel better as a person." Pondering over this saying enlivens all my moments of fake intensity and platonic happiness, which acted as a veneer to mask my countless insecurities and limitations. In the past, I've resorted to escapism as a route to gaining momentary pleasures and satisfaction, because I had distorted the reality of my life. Every single thing that was said or done was sensed as a conspiracy to demean and downgrade the foundation to my being. And little did I know, back then, when my chips were down, that it wasn't the world that had joined forces to alienate me. It was me who tried distancing myself from my own perspectives and prerogatives under the pretext of thinking that the world, which included people I had grown up loving and reposed immense faith in, was on a mission to tuck me under the carpet. Sometimes its wise to accept that you are the culprit in your own life.
The black dots kept increasing. And at times, some white dots made their way past the black dots very rapidly. I tried as hard as I could to close my eyes if I saw the white dots increasing in number. They distracted my focus, while I sat in a meditative state, cross-legged and hands folded. It seemed like the white dots were trying to encroach not only upon my vision, but also on my efforts to try and rid myself of unwarranted thinking and the fear of being relegated to the position of pleasing everyone. After 10 minutes of struggling to obtain a state of absolute nothingness and trying to place myself somewhere between being correct and incorrect, a picture replaced the many-black-and-some-white dots. It was a picture of me. And it represented idealism. It represented what "good" actually was. It was certainly not my conscience. Conscience takes you in a direction that you have established your thoughts in, whereas that picture went a step ahead to establish a new boundary and refurbished my tarnished conscience. After almost having forgotten to live with mental boundaries, and drawing a line between what was good and bad, every night of sitting with closed eyes and chanting a few hymns was my way of detoxifying my mind. It was high time I thanked more than I complained. It is true that sometimes utter confusion and pretense bring about a wave of serenity, which washes away all the past debacles, and gives you new reasons to hope.
For endless days, once I started retaining my peace of mind, I kept pinching myself to check if I wasn't dreaming. How else do you justify being on a totally different tangent in a short span of time by challenging yourself to all the things that you were hesitant to do owing to what would be thought and spoken about by many! I started trying to avoid conversations that revolved around gossiping. And that was mainly because I realized that, in the past, that was the very thing that kept me from getting closer to my real self. I had never realized that I had a choice to say no. I no more wanted to struggle to find my voice in the chaos. I didn't want to be a part of the herd. I had decided that I was more important than a person's ego and misgivings: and if I wanted, I could turn a blind eye to what someone said or did. It was time to balance the inner equilibrium and make it so stable that no amount of soothing words or harsh taunts could ever tamper with it. Soon everything started becoming an illusion. And the best past was that the illusion had no right or wrong. If my picture showed me what "good'' meant, it also let me interpret whether an illusion was good or bad, in keeping with my sanity.
The path I have chosen is my own. And what's special about my path is that it is unique to me. I don't want to share it with anyone for the simple reason that others may not be able to tackle the adversities it is filled with. I would also like to believe that not everyone has the secret picture that I have. And that picture needs no validation and acceptance. And I also know that this picture will take me through my path riddled with hurdles. And no, I won't feel jealous if the path someone else has chosen promises to be filled with calm and joy rides. I'm different. That secret picture, which also talks to me, has asked me to consider that example an illusion for my own sanity.
The black dots kept increasing. And at times, some white dots made their way past the black dots very rapidly. I tried as hard as I could to close my eyes if I saw the white dots increasing in number. They distracted my focus, while I sat in a meditative state, cross-legged and hands folded. It seemed like the white dots were trying to encroach not only upon my vision, but also on my efforts to try and rid myself of unwarranted thinking and the fear of being relegated to the position of pleasing everyone. After 10 minutes of struggling to obtain a state of absolute nothingness and trying to place myself somewhere between being correct and incorrect, a picture replaced the many-black-and-some-white dots. It was a picture of me. And it represented idealism. It represented what "good" actually was. It was certainly not my conscience. Conscience takes you in a direction that you have established your thoughts in, whereas that picture went a step ahead to establish a new boundary and refurbished my tarnished conscience. After almost having forgotten to live with mental boundaries, and drawing a line between what was good and bad, every night of sitting with closed eyes and chanting a few hymns was my way of detoxifying my mind. It was high time I thanked more than I complained. It is true that sometimes utter confusion and pretense bring about a wave of serenity, which washes away all the past debacles, and gives you new reasons to hope.
For endless days, once I started retaining my peace of mind, I kept pinching myself to check if I wasn't dreaming. How else do you justify being on a totally different tangent in a short span of time by challenging yourself to all the things that you were hesitant to do owing to what would be thought and spoken about by many! I started trying to avoid conversations that revolved around gossiping. And that was mainly because I realized that, in the past, that was the very thing that kept me from getting closer to my real self. I had never realized that I had a choice to say no. I no more wanted to struggle to find my voice in the chaos. I didn't want to be a part of the herd. I had decided that I was more important than a person's ego and misgivings: and if I wanted, I could turn a blind eye to what someone said or did. It was time to balance the inner equilibrium and make it so stable that no amount of soothing words or harsh taunts could ever tamper with it. Soon everything started becoming an illusion. And the best past was that the illusion had no right or wrong. If my picture showed me what "good'' meant, it also let me interpret whether an illusion was good or bad, in keeping with my sanity.
The path I have chosen is my own. And what's special about my path is that it is unique to me. I don't want to share it with anyone for the simple reason that others may not be able to tackle the adversities it is filled with. I would also like to believe that not everyone has the secret picture that I have. And that picture needs no validation and acceptance. And I also know that this picture will take me through my path riddled with hurdles. And no, I won't feel jealous if the path someone else has chosen promises to be filled with calm and joy rides. I'm different. That secret picture, which also talks to me, has asked me to consider that example an illusion for my own sanity.
